I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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