im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
