His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
