dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
