Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
