It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
