Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
