i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
