if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
