i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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