Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
