I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
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