he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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