Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
