she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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