I think my fart just growled at me.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
