im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
