We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize