new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
