i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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