I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
