How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
