sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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