Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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