so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
