Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
