if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Randomize
