i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
