dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
