saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
