It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
