she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
