Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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