I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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