Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
