I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
