if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Welp...herpes.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
