when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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