Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
