We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
