Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
