A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
