Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
