I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
