weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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