Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
