there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
