So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
