me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
