Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
foreskin is a definite game changer
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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