I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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