o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
