i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We talked him into tasing himself.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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