You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
