Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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