I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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